EXCLUSIVE: Living with alcohol

Don't suffer in the dark: if you are concerned, help
is available. Credit: Qhairizad SayHello

LIVING with an alcohol-dependent partner can be difficult, particularly when they become abusive, but there are still not enough people coming out to report it.

The latest figures from the Office for National Statistics show that after falling between 2004/5 and 2008/9, the number of domestic abuse cases reported has levelled out over the last five years, and that 21.5% of people in the UK have admitted to experiencing some form of Domestic Abuse since the age of 16.

One of the primary associations with domestic abuse is alcohol, although charity Women's Aid say it is used as an excuse and is not a cause, even though the proportion of attacks known to police involving alcohol remains at a consistent 53%.

However there are different forms of domestic abuse which are also attributable to alcohol. Mrs. B’s husband became alcohol-dependent in the summer of 1976, and his habit got worse after a health scare which eventually led to him becoming an offender.

“He almost died and needed several major operations, but it was months and months of recovery and I think that led to him being depressed,” she re-called.

“Afterwards he started to drink more and more… It was a way of escaping what had happened to him, and he became dependent, progressing to drinking throughout the day.”

But that was only the start. Alcohol consumption figures show a correlation between the amount people drink and their employment status, with unemployed people drinking more at more regular intervals than those who are employed.

“When made redundant after his company closed down, he drank all day almost and then into the night. He would be in the pub for hours on end, socialising with awful people who were drunks too," said Mrs. B, which was the point her marriage and relationship with her husband hit a low.

She added: “He was drunk most of the time, and our lives were awful. His behaviour changed, he displayed more awkward behaviour, moaned about silly things, and said very nasty things to people and the lovely man I married becomes someone horrible.

“I thought so often I could not continue to live this way, but when you love someone it is difficult to just up and leave although I threatened to do so many times," she admitted.

Luckily for Mrs. B her husband was never violent, but Domestic Abuse does not have to be violent or sexual, and can take other forms including financial, emotional and psychological, and as in this case, verbal abuse.

In 2000, Mr. B stopped drinking after attending Alcoholics Anonymous courses and remained teetotal for five years.

“It helped enormously, his behaviour improved and he was back to being pleasant and considerate and amusing… His usual personality without drink,” explained Mrs. B, but it wasn’t the end of the drink.

“For the past 10 years he has been drinking beer only," she continued. "Initially he thought socially he could have a little beer and that he was strong enough to keep it controlled, but he now drinks far more beer than he should and quite contrary to strong medical advice to limit it and to have days off.”

Following life-saving heart surgery, which can only be performed once, Mrs. B has been trying to encourage her husband to at least have days off and limit consumption to preserve his health, but even that is a struggle.

“He promises and promises he will and says he will have days off next week… But next week never comes or at least the days off or reduction never come.”

“I talk to the doctor and have talked to the consultant, to tell them clearly what the reality is where my husband tries to talk down his consumption of alcohol, but what I know from experience is that the person needs to decide to get help or to be referred,” she conceded.

Having lived with it for nearly 40 years, Mrs. B has almost become accustomed to her husband’s habits to the point she just has to deal with it.

“I can tell when he arrives home whether he is going to be horrid. I hate this and it upsets me, his close family, and everyone around us. We all worry about him and the effect on his health.

“If they do not want to stop, I do think it impossible.”

The above is a true and ongoing story, but the interviewee did not wish to be identified. If you are concerned about a partner, relative or friend, help is available through a number of charities including Refuge and Women's Aid.